Is Your Phone Damaging Your Relationship? 21 Strategies to Take Control.

Is Your Phone Damaging Your Relationship? 21 Strategies to Take Control.

Hey, I'm Tara, relationship coach & couples therapist.

I'm definitely a weirdo, and have never traveled a conventional path-
It sucks because the world isn't designed for misfits, sometimes it's myself I'm rebelling against, and being a weirdo can be lonely.

I swear a lot, think life is too short to waste on drama & bullshit, and dream of a world where we ALL belong.

Hey, I'm Tara, relationship coach & couples therapist. I'm definitely a weirdo, and have never traveled a conventional path- It sucks because the world isn't designed for misfits, sometimes it's myself I'm rebelling against, and being a weirdo can be lonely. I swear a lot, think life is too short...

21 Tips: From small changes (grayscale) to the big guns (k- safe), reclaim your partners attention and stop your phone damaging your relationship.

Table of Contents

Useful and everpresent, our pocket computer is designed for addiction. So how is your phone damaging your relationship? And what can we do?

Tara Thomas and Kia Handley discuss the impact of phone use in intimate relationships.

[Full Transcript Below - Please note this blog is a living piece and is continually updated as this is such an important issue of our times. You can download the transcript from the radio show, or read the living document below.]

Audio

[Original recording on ABC website here]

You can also find the incredibly talented Kia Handley on socials here, or listen to more of her works here: This Retro Life & Let's Talk- Rural Mental Health, PLUS even more amazing gems here.

While no longer behind the microphone at ABC Newcastle and NSW, she now spends her days working in communications and advocacy in the Aged Care and Community Services sector.

Episode Transcript

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Four People sitting side by side on a couch, they are all looking down at their phones.

Photo by Johnce on Getty Images Signature

Why's it so Damned Hard to Put Down the Phone?!

You get home from a busy day of work, ready for some downtime and to discover what has been happening in the wider world. You take out your phone, check, the news, check your emails, and check your social feeds.

All of a sudden you find hours have passed and you are still scrolling scrolling scrolling…and now you'll begin to see your phone damaging your relationship.

It's the dopamine, baby...

The Centre for Humane Technology describes this perfectly;

"We want things and when we get them, we enjoy them. However, the brain circuit involved in wanting (mesolimbic dopaminergic system) is much more powerful than the brain circuit involved in enjoyment. The feeling of wanting something can be so strong that even when we find what we want, we don't get much satisfaction. Sometimes, the wanting networks in the brain become hypersensitive and we get addicted: endless loops of seeking. In addiction, what we want becomes dissociated from what we enjoy.

Technology often capitalizes on the potency of wanting, providing endless possibilities for seeking but few experiences that satiate. We might find fleeting pleasure, but no enduring satisfaction. Our "tolerance" increases, and we need more to achieve the same effects. The result: we keep clicking and scrolling, mindlessly consuming content, often with minimal oversight from cognitive control regions of the brain.

Ultimately, this behavior depletes us, but feeds engagement-based business models."

Quote from The Center for Human Technology Website here.

How is Your Phone Damaging Your Relationship?

There are so many ways you'll find your phone damaging your relationships. The couples I work with on "the phone thing" have three main gripes;

One person is "chatting" online, to exes, to friends or colleagues, or to others, in a way that feels to their partner like infidelity
Someone is uncomfortable with the level or type of personal sharing on a public platform.
One partner feels like there is an issue with presence, level of connection, or quality of their time together.

[Read: Is Social Media a Force for Good or Evil in Relationships?]

20 Strategies to Stop Your Phone Damaging Your Relationship

A line of people on their phones walking through a door where they become protypes.

Image by Kentoh from Getty Images

Technological Solutions to Stop Your Phone Damaging Your Relationship

Set Your Phone to Grayscale

Stop Your Phone Damaging Your Relationship - Tip#1

Using the grayscale effect is super simple and a powerful way to make your phone less interesting and stop your phone damaging your relationship.

The toggle means your screen appears in black & white, which removes the lure of the colourful apps and means the notifications don't catch your attention as easily.

How to Use This Strategy:

If you're using an iPhone,

Open Settings, then choose Accessibility > Display & Text Size > Color Filters.
Turn the Color Filters toggle switch on, and Grayscale appears as the top option.

Turn Off Notifications

Stop Your Phone Damaging Your Relationship - Tip#2

Notifications are one of the biggest contributors to your phone damaging your relationship.The red colour of your notifications is a colour that signifies to our brain 'danger' or 'pay attention'.

Phone app creators are deliberately leveraging this attention grabber by using notifications to make you open your app, and then hoping you will spend more time there. Spoiler: you will. In fact, apps are continually adding notification "events" that are increasingly meaningless, just to capture your attention again.

How to Use This Strategy:

Go to Settings > Notifications, or swipe left on any incoming notification and hit Manage > Turn Off.

You may also need to go into each app and edit the notifications. For example, in Instagram I get notified of comments but not likes. While it takes a bit of time at the front end to select these options, over time you'll regain it in spades! Any small action that stops the slide into 'next, next, next' can really interrupt that pattern where you find your phone damaging your relationship.

Remove Toxic Apps

Stop Your Phone Damaging Your Relationship - Tip#3

Are there apps on your phone that you regularly spend too much time on?
How do you feel when you finish using an app?
Do you use the apps? Or do the apps use you?

I have spoken in much more detail specifically about social media and relationships, and this also applies in a broader sense to ALL the apps on your device. There are just some that are better than others at capturing your desire, and these are the ones most likely to trigger your phone damaging your relationship.

Let me give you some examples of how I have done this;

I deleted the library and eReader apps from my phone. I still use my Kindle (because there are no other distractions) and have resumed going to the ACTUAL library!
I have deleted FaceBook and Twitter completely from my life. No regrets.
I don't have any games or 'entertainment' on my phone. No shade on you if that's your thing, but for me it is a wormhole with strong gravitational force.
I've deleted (most of) the 'work' type apps that I can also access from my laptop. This means work=desk.

How to Use This Strategy:

Be ruthless.
Reclaim your life.
Even if you regularly download and delete the same apps, just removing them for a short time is a win and can stop the slide into your phone damaging your relationship.

Set Screen Time Limits

Stop Your Phone Damaging Your Relationship - Tip#4

Most (all?) devices have options within the settings to limit the amount of time you spend on particular apps. For example, I have a limit each day of 20 minutes for Instagram.

Decide in advance how much time you're cool with being on particular apps, or being on your phone in general. This is especially important if you're already in a situation where you can see your phone damaging your relationship.

How to Use This Strategy:

Calculate how much time you would be proud to tell others you spend on your phone daily.

Go to Settings > Screen Time.
Tap Turn On Screen Time,
Tap Downtime, then turn on Downtime.
Select Every Day or Customize Days, then set the start and end times.

Use a Screen Time Tracker

Stop Your Phone Damaging Your Relationship - Tip#5

Set up a screen time tracker on your phone so that you are clear about the ACTUAL amount of time you are on your device.

There is no judgement here, just get clear where you are happy to spend your time!

How to Use This Strategy:

This may already be built into your phone, or you could download an app like Moment.

Moment is a great choice because it provides you with information that helps you to repattern your habits;

Coaching to reduce phone use: Improve health, wellness and focus by reducing your phone usage through simple habit tweaks recommended each day
Screen time measurement: Moment runs in the background to automatically track your phone use -- no need to open the app
Useful data to improve awareness: Break down each day to see when you're on your device, how many times you're picking it up, and how much quality offline time you're logging
Create and join groups of friends or family members to keep each other actionable & receive coaching in tandem

Gamify Phone Free Time

Stop Your Phone Damaging Your Relationship - Tip#6

Download an app to your phone that encourages you to put down your phone. This could be a productivity strategy for you, and also a great relationship strategy to stop your phone damaging your relationship.

What I love about this strategy is that it doesn't require continuos decision making energy - you set the period of time, put down your phone, and walk away!

How to Use This Strategy:

Download an app and start building a habit around using it when you are with your partner, friends, and family.

I particularly like Flora for two reasons:

It is super effective. You link a credit card, choose the amount of time (from 15 mins to 2 hours), and add dollars.
If you use your phone before time is up: financial penalty. It's pretty motivating! I usually choose $10. It's enough to motivate me, without being awful if there is a reason I need to use my phone (you can allocate up to $100).
They will plant trees. The app is built around 'growing' trees and shrubs - each time you complete a period of focus the app creates a plant for you. For a small fee you can also plant real trees by doing this.

Here are some other suggestions. I haven't used these but a quick google found them (you could look too!)

Doingly: Raises money on your behalf for a charity of your choice. The more you focus (don't use phone) the more money you raise.

Pause for: Earn cryptocurrency to spend in Kin app network for the time you pause. [I have no idea how this one works].

Please let me know if you come across a good one and I'll link it here!

Remove Blue Light at Night

Stop Your Phone Damaging Your Relationship - Tip#7

Night-time exposure to the blue light of your computer or device screen makes you more alert and affects your circadian rhythms. That means it can have an impact on your capacity to get to sleep, the quality of your sleep, AND the quality of your partner's sleep!

This is a big area where you will see not only your phone damaging your relationship, but damaging the quality of your health.

How to Use This Strategy:

On your iPhone or iPad, go to Settings > Display & Brightness. Tap the Night Shift setting, which alters the screen temperature of your device to a warmer color, filtering out the blue light.

On your laptop or computer you can download f.lux which will also alter the screen colour.

There is more research on the f.lux site on the impacts of blue light.

Block Distracting Apps & Websites

Stop Your Phone Damaging Your Relationship - Tip#8

I get that not all of you want to completely delete social media apps or websites from your lives, there are still some great benefits to using those tools!

A great strategy to help with that is to download #blockit: Block Distractions which helps you to choose which elements of each app you'd like to use, and which are a distraction or rabbit hole for you.

For example, you can block the newsfeed on FaceBook, but still use the Groups.

Note: This is only free for FaceBook, if you want to use it for other apps you will need to pay US$1.50 - $4.50

How to Use This Strategy:

This app only works in safari - you need to delete the app related to the site e.g. delete the FaceBook app and only access through safari.
Download #blockit: Block Distractions
Enable Content blockers by going to Settings> Safari > Content Blockers and toggling on #blockit
Choose which elements of which apps you want to block!

For example, I have paid to block YouTube. I deleted the YouTube app and now only access via safari. I have blocked: recommended videos, trending videos, related videos, comments BUT I can still see my subscriptions which means I watch videos that I want to watch and don't fall into rabbit holes.

There are also some great Chrome extensions like UnDistracted which serves the same function (hiding distracting elements of social media sites).

Use Focus & Productivity Apps & Websites

Stop Your Phone Damaging Your Relationship - Tip#9

To stop your phone damaging your relationship, it's crucial to be able to be present on one thing at a time, like your partner!

A simple way to retrain your brain to focus is to select one thing at a time and pay attention only to that. Choose an amount of time; say 20, 45, or 90 minutes, and focus on one task or outcome only for that period. It might be: tidying up/cleaning, being present with your partner, focusing on one item of a project, and so on.

How to Use This Strategy:

Find an app or extension that you like to use.
I mostly use my phone timer for this, and work in blocks of 45 -90 minutes which is my sweet spot for productivity.
Set the timer and put your phone down. Don't pick it up while you're in a timed block!

You could find a good Pomodoro timer app or extension - here is a good article that describes the Pomodoro technique and has 10 suggestions for apps.

You could also use the apps that are suggested in the "Block Distracting Apps & Websites" and "Gamify Phone Free Time" sections above.

Buy a Separate Alarm Clock

Stop Your Phone Damaging Your Relationship - Tip#10

Super simple strategy - stop using your phone as an alarm clock.

It's just too easy to pick it up in the morning and start your rounds of "checking things" for those little morning dopamine hits. From the minute you wake it starts your phone damaging your relationship.

How to Use This Strategy:

Buy alarm clock.
Use it.
Keep phone out of the bedroom to charge.
Try snuggling your partner instead of your phone!

Relational Solutions to Stop Your Phone Damaging Your Relationship

Set Time to Unplug Daily & Weekly

Stop Your Phone Damaging Your Relationship - Tip#11

You need to get clear on expectations to stop your phone damaging your relationship - It is important to acknowledge that there is value in using devices for down-time, to relax, to connect, and even at times to mindlessly scroll!

How to Use This Strategy:

Agree on the daily time frame where you don't use screens in your home
Discuss how that works and if there are any exceptions - what happens if someone calls? can you use music apps? what else?
Ideally, you will also have at least one full day per week where you unplug.
Be considerate & generous about this.

Structure Activity Time

Stop Your Phone Damaging Your Relationship - Tip#12

Sometimes it is easier to structure something to DO instead of something to DON'T. Instead of wondering is your phone damaging your relationship, wonder what you can do to strengthen it!

For example, instead of saying "no screens on Saturday mornings" you could say "on Saturday mornings let's go for a bike ride together"

How to Use This Strategy:

Consider things that you complain about.... instead of saying "we never spend time together", get clear on what you would like to do instead!
Come up with a list of things you both love doing that you find fun & pleasurable.
It doesn't have to be elaborate or energetic, it could be; listening to music, cooking, napping.

Structure Relax Time

Stop Your Phone Damaging Your Relationship - Tip#13

Sometimes it is easier to structure something to DO instead of something to DON'T.

One of the biggest traps we can fall into with phones is that we don't have planned down-time. Often phones are just a fall back when you are tired and don't feel like doing anything. It can be super helpful to have a list of go-to ways to relax together that is still present to each other and screen-free.

How to Use This Strategy:

Sometimes it is nice to plan activity time, and it is also helpful to have some relaxing options where you can just chill together and be present. Instead of noticing your phone damaging your relationship, focus on how you can relax & reconnect!

For example in my house we like to;

listen to music and chat,
have cheese & wine instead of dinner
light a fire in the fire pit and hang out
lie on the patio on the 80's green sun loungers.
Go to the park and hang out on a picnic rug
listen to a podcast

It makes it much more accessible to be present to each other if you don't always have to "do".

Discuss Social Media Boundaries

Stop Your Phone Damaging Your Relationship - Tip#15

There are no real rules about how social media use intersects with your relationship health, but you must consider; is your phone damaging your relationship?

How to Use This Strategy:

Discuss with your partner what times or activities you both agree that using socials is okay. For example "while we're watching TV together".
Discuss with your partner what times or activities you both agree that using socials is NOT okay. For example "between when you get home and dinner time", or "while we're listening to music".
Establish how you would like to be reminded when you slide into old habits. For example; Could you remind me by saying "let's put our phones down while we have dinner".
Remember: This is a broader issue than your partners 'discipline' or 'choices' !

Discuss Phone Boundaries

Stop Your Phone Damaging Your Relationship - Tip#16

There are no real rules about how phone use intersects with your relationship health, but you must consider; is your phone damaging your relationship?

How to Use This Strategy:

Discuss with your partner what times or activities you both agree that being on your phone is okay.
Discuss with your partner what times or activities you both agree that being on your phone is NOT okay.
Establish how you would like to be reminded when you slide into old habits. For example; Could you remind me by saying "let's put our phones down while we have dinner".
Remember: This is a broader issue than your partners 'discipline' or 'choices' !

Calculate Waking Hours on Phone

Stop Your Phone Damaging Your Relationship - Tip#17

This is a pretty simple way to get perspective on how you are spending your time, energy, and attention, and to work out is your phone damaging your relationship.

How to Use This Strategy:

Calculate your average waking hours for the week. For example; I am awake from 7am - 10pm daily. That's 15 hours a day, 105 hours a week.
Consider what percentage of your waking hours you'd like to be on your phone. For example; 5% of my waking hours would be 5.25 hours a week.
Work out how you are going to structure that - will you be on your phone every day?
Track your phone time so that you are making conscious choices.

Find Old School Alternatives to Apps

Stop Your Phone Damaging Your Relationship - Tip#18

Find old school alternatives to things you do online - borrow library books, join IRL groups, go for coffee to catch up with a friend,

I mean, yes apps on your phone are convenient BUT they come at a cost.

How to Use This Strategy:

Consider which apps are consuming the most of your time & energy.
Brainstorm an alternative way to do that. For example; borrow library books instead of using a kindle app, write lists and notes on paper, use your laptop for particular functions so that you aren't distracted by other things on your phone.
This is only a way to manage your time differently, and to play with alternatives.
For bonus points, instead of your phone damaging your relationship you can choose an activity that strengthens it! Like instead of playing a game on your phone, play a game together IRL.

Create a Charging Location

Schedule a Regular Reminder to Check In

Stop Your Phone Damaging Your Relationship - Tip#20

The strategies to stop your phone damaging your relationship are not set-and-forget. That is, there's likely to be some creep over time of old habits sliding back in. It's helpful for your own self-awareness to have a regular check-in with yourself & your partner to see how this is going.

How to Use This Strategy:

Schedule a weekly or monthly reminder to check-in.
You can do this in your weekly State-of-the-Nation or at another time.
Check your screen time stats, as well as asking your partner "How have you felt about our phone use?"

Educate Yourself on the Harms Tech Can Cause

Stop Your Phone Damaging Your Relationship - Tip#21

Check out The Center for Human Technology where tech designers( including former senior engineers and ethicists from Google, FaceBook and more) are working to drive change in the tech industry through educating the public, supporting technologists and tech leaders, and informing policy change.

There are lot's of resources, podcasts, tools, and insights into how tech can cause harm, as well as a strong movement to harness tech for good.

The BIG GUNs to Stop Your Phone Damaging Your Relationship

Give Someone Your Screentime Code

Stop Your Phone Damaging Your Relationship - Tip#14

I love using the screen time limits as it helps me to avoid getting sucked into a time vortex... the only dumb thing about it is that when my time runs out I can just click "ignore limit" and carry-on on my merry way.

This strategy adds an extra layer of friction to your decision by requiring you to ask someone else for the code! That is usually enough to put down the phone and stop your phone damaging your relationship.

How to Use This Strategy:

Your screen time code can be different to the general access code for your phone.

Set the limits on your phone for each app per day. You only really need to focus on the ones that are problematic for you!
Ask your partner or a friend to set the screentime code for you, and not to tell you.
If you find yourself wanting the code, simply ask them to text it to you or enter it into your phone!

This strategy only works when your partner or friend will provide the code without judgement or withholding.

Use a kSafe

Get a Dumb Phone

Stop Your Phone Damaging Your Relationship - Tip#22

Alright alright... I'm updating this now in 2023 to say that NONE of the above was enough for me...

So here's where I've landed.

I bought a 'dumb phone' (a Nokia 5710) that has the worst interface & internet ever...

It means I can lock my 'smart' phone up for longer periods by switching the SIM card. Then I can still send & receive important text or phone calls, but no way to scroll.

The combination of the k-safe and the dumb phone is the only thing that works for me!

Posted in Technology & Relationships

Is Your Phone Damaging Your Relationship? 21 Strategies to Take Control.

Is Your Phone Damaging Your Relationship? 21 Strategies to Take Control.

Audio

Episode Transcript

Why's it so Damned Hard to Put Down the Phone?!

How is Your Phone Damaging Your Relationship?

20 Strategies to Stop Your Phone Damaging Your Relationship

Technological Solutions to Stop Your Phone Damaging Your Relationship

Relational Solutions to Stop Your Phone Damaging Your Relationship

The BIG GUNs to Stop Your Phone Damaging Your Relationship

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