In relationships, a boundary is basically the line between what's okay and what's not.

In her book Atlas of the Heart, Brene Brown says "Boundaries are a prerequisite for compassion and empathy. We can't connect with someone unless we're clear about where we end and they begin. If there's no autonomy between people, then there's no compassion or empathy, just enmeshment".

The more sensitive you become to patterns of activation/deactivation in different parts of your body, the better you are able to decide what boundaries you require (and implement them BEFORE you hit strife).

Here's some questions to help you identify your level of interoceptive awareness regarding boundaries;

1. Do you know when a situation is 'too much' for you? How early do you know?
2. Are you reactive with people in your life, that is, you say or do things in the heat of the moment that you later regret?
3. Do you give in too easily or find it hard to compromise?
4. Do you often experience shame and/or blame in your relationships?
5. Do you often experience guilt and/or resentment in your relationships?
6. Do you have a hard time trusting other people?
7. Do other people say you're inflexible?
8. Do you feel isolated or lonely?
9. Are you are successful at work, but don't have many friends?
10. Do folks in your life have a tendency for drama?

I've written a lot more about boundaries here: Boundary Breakdown: An Introduction to Boundaries for Beginners

Being sexually attracted to someone else is a biopsychosocial experience.

Basically, it means that attraction isn’t just physical; it’s also about how you think and the impact of the people and culture around you.  And because there are so many inputs for your yucks & yums, it's possible to learn to CREATE the conditions for erotic tension and sexual chemistry.

Here's some questions to help you identify your level of interoceptive awareness regarding chemistry:

1. Do you know how to create erotic or sexual tension with a partner?
2. Do you think that sexual tension 'just happens' or that 'the spark' just is there or isn't?
3. How do you turn yourself on?
4. What do you do that generates life force and energy for yourself?
5. Do you feel vibrant & energised?
6. Can you tell when someone is attracted to you?
7. Can you tell when you're attracted to someone else?
8. How aware are you of physical sensations when you feel sexual chemistry?
9. Do you know the difference (in yourself) between social and sexual chemistry?
10. Can YOU generate 'chemistry' in your body?

I've written a lot more about sexual chemistry here: Help! I’m Attracted to Someone Else: How to Handle Sexual Chemistry When You’re In a Relationship

Awareness of your internal state is linked to better self-compassion and less trouble managing emotion.

And it's a two way street! Research has shown that improving self-compassion also leads to increased interoceptive awareness.

It's no joke, and it's no fucking woo woo soft touch bullshit. Compassion is a requirement for meaningful connection, and that requires a high level of interoceptive awareness.

Here's some questions to help you identify your level of interoceptive awareness regarding compassion;

1. What physical sensations do I experience in my body when I feel compassion?
2. How attuned am I to the emotional states of others? Can I identify how their feelings affect my own body sensations?
3. How do I distinguish between body sensations generated by my own emotions, and those generated by the emotions of others?
4. How do I physically react in the presence of someone else who is suffering pain or distress?
5. Am I aware of internal cues (like a feeling in your gut) that move me to offer support or assistance?
6. How does my body respond when I experience compassion fatigue or overwhelm? Do I notice any specific physical signs?
7. After a compassionate interaction, do I take time to reflect on how my body felt during that experience? What did you notice?
8. Can I distinguish between body sensations generated by self-compassion and those generated by compassion for others? What is different?
9. What feelings are present in my body when I am kind to myself?
10. When I express compassion, are there any changes in your physical state before, during, or after the interaction?

Interoceptive awareness is vital to interpret the signals from your body before you engage in any kind of challenging coversation.

Those signals let you know whether you are emotionally regulated, physically capable, and emotionally available to have difficult conversations.

Here's some questions to help you identify your level of interoceptive awareness regarding conflict;

1. Do you find yourself escalated or shut down during conflict?
2. Do you prefer to avoid conflict?
3. Do you get confused or lose your train of thought in heightened situations?
4. Do people tell you that you're too loud or that your tone is aggressive when you're angry?
5. Do you know when to stop having a hard conversation and take a break? Do you actually stop at that time?
6. Do you say or do things during conflict that you later regret?
7. Do you say or do things during conflict that you have to 'fix' later or apologise for?
8. What are the signs that your body is reacting to a conflict?
9. How early can you detect those signs?
10. Do you notice internal sensations before, during, or after conflict?

I've written much more extensively about this here: How to Stop Fighting in Relationships (Before the Sh!t Hits)

Interoceptive accuracy plays a significant role in boosting both rationality and intuition when making decisions. So, the better you are at understanding your body's signals, the better your decision-making gets.

Making decisions is a behavior that's been studied by all sorts of fields, and there are a shit tonne of frameworks out there claiming to explain different types of decision making and decision makers. A lot of these frameworks help highlight various parts of decision making, but most of them just end up reinforcing oppressive stereotypes that are prevalent in the culture at the time. They're built to maintain oppression, as they tend to be inherently racist, sexist, ableist, classist, and showcase the mindset that led us to this shitshow in the first place.

It's an interest of mine to read current research that offers different theories of decision making. I quite like this frame from Launer & Cetin (2023) that identifies 3 rational and 9 intuitive styles of decision making. Those 12 styles are Analytic, Planning, Knowing, Holistic Unconscious, Spontaneous, Heuristic, Slow Unconscious, Emotions, Body Impulses, Moods, Anticipation, and Support by Others.

Here's some questions to help you identify your level of interoceptive awareness regarding decision making;

1. When I make a decision, I trust my inner body feeling and somatic reactions
2. I find it difficult to know the 'right' decision for me
3. Do you know how to distinguish between internal signals that relate to your decision, versus signals relating to your physical health or comfort?
4. I tend to go-with-the-flow and let others make big decisions
5. I prefer drawing conclusions based on my feelings, my knowledge of human nature, and my experience of life
6. I tend to use my gut feeling for my decisions
7. I find myself overthinking my decisions, whether they are past, present, or future
8. I often experience mental loops about decisions or past events
9. Are there particular decisions that cause you to feel a strong physical reaction? What sensations do you experience?
10. How does your level of stress or anxiety impact your ability to tune into your body during decision-making?

Being able to identify and articulate your emotions directly impacts how you experience life.

This skill is shaped by a mix of interoceptive accuracy, emotional literacy, and language. The more you can express your feelings with nuance, the better you understand not just your body but also your emotional and social experiences. Brené Brown highlights this in her book, Atlas of the Heart, noting that most people can only name three emotions—glad, sad, and mad—when asked to identify their feelings.

Research shows that integrating your body signals with the context around you helps form your emotional experiences.

This integration forms the basis of the social aspects of human experience, which are understood through our bodies. Understanding what you feel requires tuning into your own bodily sensations. For instance, if you notice physical changes like a warm face or a racing heart, you might wonder whether you're excited, anxious, or something else entirely. Recognizing these nuances is vital, as most people default to basic emotions, which can disrupt healthy responses and appropriate behaviors.

Here's some questions to help you identify your level of interoceptive awareness regarding emotional identification;

1. Do you notice physical sensations in your body when you experience strong emotions?
2. Can you identify where in your body you feel specific emotions (e.g., tension in your shoulders when stressed)?
3. Do you have a go-to list of words for describing your emotions beyond glad, sad, and mad?
4. How quickly can you identify the changes in your body related to strong emotions?
5. Do you ever feel like emotions are sudden, and overwhelm you with no warning?
6. Are you able to identify your emotions in real-time, or do you often realise them later?
7. How often do you rely on others to help you identify your emotions?
8. How often do you check in with your body when you feel a strong emotion during conversations?
9. Do you feel you have a good grasp on the subtleties of emotions like jealousy versus envy?
10. How confident do you feel in your ability to differentiate between physical discomfort and emotional pain?

High levels of social functioning depend on your ability to regulate your emotions.

Like, have you ever been super pissed at your partner for being a jerk, but then realised the next day that you were just overtired and he hadn't done anything wrong at all? Just asking for a friend. And maybe that friend just noticed 'mad' but not 'tired' or 'sad' or any of the other interoceptive signals so they were unable to regulate their emotions appropriately?

Research has shown that people with higher interoceptive awareness are more likely to engage with and reassess negative emotions.

While they may still distract themselves or disengage from more intense negative emotional experiences, they do that less frequently than those with low interoceptive awareness, who tend to distract and disengage from any negative emotional experience regardless of its intensity.

The sooner you can accurately identify your emotional state, the more effectively you can take care of yourself, others, and your relationship with them.

Folks who react impulsively during heightened emotional states can cause significant damage to their relationships (and there are only so many times you can mend things by simply saying "sorry," you know?).

Here's some questions to help you identify your level of interoceptive skill regarding emotional regulation;

1. Do you have explosions of anger, sadness, or other emotional experiences that feel out of your control?
2. Do you notice when your emotions are escalating or your body feels like its getting slow or numb?
3. Are there particular physical sensations that signal to you that you need to regulate your emotions?
4. How often do you find yourself reacting impulsively before recognizing your feelings?
5. How aware are you of your emotional triggers and how they affect your body?
6. When feeling stressed, what body signals prompt you to take action to calm down?
7. Are you aware of how your emotions affect others?
8. Are you aware of the emotions that are most common for you when you are in stressful situations?
9. How well do you reset after emotional experiences? Do you get stuck in emotion?
10. Do you find yourself replaying or looping on events?

I've written a lot about different techniques for emotional regulation here: Emotional First Aid

When you're in tune with your own body and feelings, it helps you manage your empathy for others.

There are two important aspects of empathy: cognitive empathy, which involves the ability to identify someone else's emotions, and affective empathy, which entails sharing and matching someone else's emotions.

It’s the difference between thinking, “Wow, that must be really tough for them,” and actually feeling that same sadness yourself.

 Interestingly, the better you are at sensing your own emotions, the more appropriately you react to someone else's pain. If we apply this idea to emotional struggles, it suggests that getting better at understanding your own feelings can help avoid those overwhelming emotional waves that highly sensitive people experience. Plus, it can boost the empathy levels in those who usually struggle to pick up on what others are feeling.

Here's some questions to help you identify your level of interoceptive skill regarding empathy regulation;

1. Do you find it challenging to regulate your emotions when you are around someone who is emotional? Why or why not?
2. How often do you notice your physical reactions when someone shares their feelings with you?
3. Can you identify specific sensations in your body when you empathize with someone’s pain or joy?
4. How aware are you of your own emotions when you try to understand someone else's perspective?
5. Do you recognize when you’re feeling overwhelmed by another person's emotions? How does your body respond?
6. Can you identify situations where you struggle to connect emotionally with others? What sensations do you notice?
7. Can you identify times when your cognitive empathy (understanding someone’s perspective) differs from your affective empathy (feeling their emotions)?
8. How confident are you in your ability to express empathy without becoming overwhelmed by the other person’s feelings?
9. Do you notice specific bodily sensations that help you gauge your level of empathy in conversations?
10. Can you describe a moment when you felt disconnected from someone else’s emotional experience? What did you feel in your body at that time?

Intuition is how we arrive at decisions with a sense of 'knowing', without always being able to articulate why.

"Intuition is an unconscious, spontaneous or slow decision-making process over time based on holistic, effortless thoughts, learned heuristics, affective feelings and emotions, a perception without awareness as well as the capability for anticipation (Launer et al., 2020)." 

It relies on our overall experiences, gut feelings, and emotions, as well as processes of logic & reasoning that become instantaneous through repetition. According to Launer & Cetin's model, there are 3 rational and 9 intuitive styles of decision making. Those 12 styles are Analytic, Planning, Knowing, Holistic Unconscious, Spontaneous, Heuristic, Slow Unconscious, Emotions, Body Impulses, Moods, Anticipation, and Support by Others.

My understanding of those different styles is that Emotions, Body Impulses, Moods, and Anticipation particularly rely on interoceptive inputs to arrive at intuitive answers.

Here's some questions to help you identify your level of interoceptive awareness regarding intuition;

1. Do you have a strong felt sense of 'knowing' when you're making decisions?
2. Do you take quite a long time using specific criteria, or find yourself overthinking or looping on a decision or situation?
3. How do you manage your emotions when they conflict with your decision-making?
4. What physical cues (e.g., tension, relaxation) do you notice when making a decision?
5. Do you trust your gut feelings when making decisions? How do they manifest physically?
6.  Are you able to distinguish between impulsive reactions and intuitive decisions?
7. Do you pay attention to the overall vibe of a situation or person when making decisions? How does that influence you?
8. Are you attuned to subtle cues in your environment that guide your decisions? What kinds of signals do you notice?
9. Do you often form quick impressions of situations or people that shape your decisions? How do you act on these impressions?
10. After making a decision based on a hunch, do you reflect on how that feeling guided your choice? How accurate do you find those hunches to be?

Many of the folks I work with are more attuned to pain than pleasure.

In late-stage capitalism, pleasure is seen as an indulgence to reward productivity or success. It's not. It's your birthright as a human. The most distressing part of this is that when we learn to tune out or suppress pain, we're equally learning to tune out and suppress pleasure.

Here's some questions to help you identify your level of interoceptive awareness regarding pleasure;

1. Do you think that your physical pleasure, affection, erotic life, and sex life would be better if only your partner were more skilled?
2. Are you more attuned to pain or discomfort than pleasure?
3. Does the time required for pleasure feel annoying or like it is a luxury you don't have time for?
4. Do you give yourself physical pleasure (self-massage, self-touch, sensory focused experiences)?
5. Do you find yourself thinking about grocery lists, tasks, or other things while you are engaged in pleasurable activities?
6. How subtle can the input be before you notice pleasure?
7. How quickly do you 'check out' from pleasurable feelings and feel an urge to get to your next task?
8. Do you find yourself irritated when others are giving you pleasure 'wrong'?
9. Do you actively luxuriate in sensation?
10. Do you enjoy simple pleasures?

Figuring out if people are safe, trustworthy and compatible for you requires awareness of your own feelings and body sensations.

This means paying attention to how you physically respond when you're around others—like noticing if your heart rate changes, if you feel tense, or if there's any discomfort, which can hint at whether someone feels safe or sketchy.

By developing this kind of awareness, you can get a better read on nonverbal signals and emotional vibes, making it easier to tell who's trustworthy and who aligns with your values. This approach really helps you understand social interactions better and build healthier relationships.

This is the relational skill where I most often see people seriously disrupted by misattuned frequencies and interoceptive static that interrupt their interrupts their capacity to choose partners, find friends they truly connect with, and accurately judge people's character.

Here's some questions to help you identify your level of interoceptive awareness and accuracy regarding social insight;

1. How often do you notice physical sensations in your body when evaluating someone's trustworthiness, particularly in friends or partners?
2. Can you identify how your body feels when you sense that a friend or partner might be unsafe or unreliable?
3. Are you able to distinguish between the experiences of uncomfortable and unsafe? How do you know? Do you (or have you) gotten that wrong before?
4. When you perceive a shift in someone’s mood, how does your body react in relation to their reliability?
5. How aware are you of your own internal state when assessing compatibility with friends or romantic partners?
6. How do you know when you need to be cautious in a social interaction with someone?
7. How often do you feel discomfort or tension in your body when you suspect something is off about a close relationship?
8. Are you able to differentiate between your own feelings and those of your friends or partners?
9. Can you accurately distinguish between sexual attraction, charisma, and interoceptive signals of danger?
10. Reflecting on past relationships, how accurate were your bodily signals in assessing their safety, reliability, or compatibility?

Sometimes it's easier to identify acute or situational stress than chronic stress.

That's because moderate or high levels of stress over longer periods of time just start to feel like your new normal. Your body adjusts, you manage your shit, and it seems okay enough. Unfortunately the long-term effects of stress are seriously damaging on your health & longevity, and even more importantly on your relationships.

The more attuned you are to subtle signals of stress, the better you're able to respond quickly and appropriately.

Here's some questions to help you identify your level of interoceptive awareness regarding stress;

1. How connected are you to your personal stress levels?
2. How early do you detect high stress levels?
3. Do you consider yourself to perform well in high pressure situations?
4. Does your body frequently feel anxious?
5. Do you snap at people and become reactive?
6. Do you have good systems and strategies to reset your nervous system?
7. Do you have systems and strategies in your relationship for early detection and shared stress management?
8. Do you push through stress and pressure by prioritising performance?
9. Do you find your jaw, neck, or shoulders are suddenly tight or sore and you didn't notice it happening?
10. Do you work out a lot to manage your stress?